hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
