the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
