i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
