why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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