I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
