I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
