Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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