I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You are a genius and a whore.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
