yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
