I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
