he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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