If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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