woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
