So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
