Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize