sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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