i was born a porn star she said
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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