Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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