Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
