When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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