I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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