I must be too annoying 4 u.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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