he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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