How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
