NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
