Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
