there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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