just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
