I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
