pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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