Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
