when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
