Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
