I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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