Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
