Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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