hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
