remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
