He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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