i don't like sucking hair
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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