what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
