who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
