some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize