I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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