You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
