Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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