Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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