Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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