He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
