Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
