omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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