If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
