just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
