Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
