it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
