I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Vodka?
Forever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
