...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
