I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
