It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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