see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize