My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize