i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
