i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize