I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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