so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
