He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
