We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
