Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
im six kinds of drunk right now
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
