Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
